How Far Should Forgiveness Go?

This was a question the Apostles asked of Jesus.  In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  I can only imagine the look on their faces when Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”  This can be a very difficult concept to accept for those of us who have been hurt by others.

Are these words from Jesus simply a suggestion or are they more?  The verses that follow in Matthew drive it home.  Jesus tells a story of a master and servant.  The master has mercy and forgives his servant for a debt he could not possibly repay.  The servant then goes and refuses to forgive or even extend time for repayment of a smaller debt from a fellow servant and instead has the servant thrown into prison.  The master called the servant back and asked why he did not have mercy on his fellow servant as the master had extended to him?  The master then has the servant tortured and jailed until he repaid his debt to the master.  Following the story, Jesus says, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”  Powerful words!

Given this unqualified “command”, how can we find it in our hearts to forgive someone who has hurt us deeply?  Part of the answer lies in understanding what forgiveness is NOT about. 

·         Forgiveness is not about forgetting.  Most everyone has heard the phrase, “forgive and forget.”  This is a misnomer.  It is impossible for us to forget the hurts we have suffered.  We can heal, but never forget.

·         Forgiveness is not about reconciliation.  It would be ideal if reconciliation could happen, but it is separate from forgiveness.  At the point of forgiveness, there is no expectation or requirement for reconciliation.

·         Forgiveness does not mean that the hurt they caused was OK.

·         Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision you make despite how you may feel. 

Forgiveness, most simply put, is the decision to release the person who hurt you from any debt or repayment due.  You release your right to get even.  Forgiveness is really a personal gift to yourself.  Unforgiveness festers all types of hurt within oneself.  The bad feelings toward a person can keep you from experiencing and sharing love with others.   A person close to me described it this way:  I experienced constant physical violence from my first husband.  Although I eventually divorced him and moved on with my life, there was something that prevented me from being able to have deep personal relationships the way I desired.  I told myself I had forgiven him, but that was just in my head, not my heart.  It was many years later when Jesus placed on my heart that for me to find true joy in life, I needed to forgive my ex-spouse.  It did not come easy.  However, understanding the expectation of Jesus, I chose to make the decision to forgive him.  I cannot describe the feeling when I forgave him from my heart.  I felt that I was no longer a prisoner, being held captive by my lack of forgiveness.  I found greater joy in the way I could love my family and my new spouse.  My life changed forever in the best way.  I wish I had made that decision earlier in my life.

Those of us who are Christian desire a close relationship with Jesus.  A lack of forgiveness places a wedge in that relationship can only be removed when we make the very difficult, but freeing decision to forgive others.

If you need help walking through your forgiveness journey, contact us through our website at: www.lkrchristianlifecoaching.com or give us a call at 972-463-1937.